Friday, November 11, 2005

TV Snark Blogging

Stephen Colbert was totally googling himself yesterday and found my PEILocals post about the Colbert Report, then he stole my link with the wacky japanese lizards-eating-your-face gameshow.

The Colbert Report needs to stick to their guns and really go for the over-the-top windbag pundit image. Nicey-nice interviews are boring, he should really try and do a faux-O'Reilly style interview just to get a reaction out of the guests. The rest of the show is quite a bit fresher than the Daily Show, though. I'm loving the bad puns. “Armistice Day.. not to be confused with Armas Day, which honours Washington Nationals pitcher Tony Armas, Jr.”

I can't even enjoy Fresh Prince of Bel Air in that hipster-ironic way.

Judith Miller is on CNN. If Larry King asks her a hard question I'm going to shit my pants.

"We're here with Judith Miller formerly of the New York Times. It's so hard to say that." My pants are safe.

Apparently Miller is using the retard defense, "I honestly believed that they thought there were weapons in Iraq." "Boy, those stories were wrong." She's talking to Larry King like he's 5. Larry King wears adult diapers. She just called Ahmad Chalabi "Doctor Chalabi". Just corrected herself when she almost said 'mister'. This is a fucking joke.

I still fucking love Jim Cramer's Caffeine-and-psychosis-fuelled financial advice show. I just with I could have seen the first episode where he beat Suze Ormann to death with a folding chair and said "Boo Yah! Let's GET IT ON." The toilet flushing sounds, cartoon bull and wrestling-theme-song power chord background music that goes on all the time is damn good television. The whole appeal of the show is waiting for him to have an aneurysm.

I'm keeping the channel on something that look\s utterly horible because it said "mena Suvari" in the credits. I'm shallow.

These are the longest opening credits since they let Wesly Crusher onto the ST: Next Gen intro.

..oops, this is actually the movie Overnight Delivery, made when Mena Suvari was about 10. Now I feel like a perv.

I think Tavis Smiley stole the set from the old Saturday Night Live "Perspectives / Viewpoints" sketch with the late night cable access public affairs shows.

Craig Fergussen is too Scottish for me to pay attention to anything he's actually saying. It's just funnier that he's Scottish. When he was being interviewed on The Daily Show Jon Stewart said "Well, I could probably give you a bit of advice, after all, I know a thing or two about replacing Craig Kilbourne." Deep-seeded burns are the best ones.

The Smothers Brothers are on the Learning Channel, Dick is explaining how he invented the "it's funny because it's not" thing, which he did brilliantly but I still hate him for spawning so many awkward self-important shits who subject me to their self-congratulatory too-cool-for-school circle jerks.

If that's Dave Foley on the Late Late show his deal with the devil to keep his boyish good looks has expired all at once.

I hate when people make fun of the oldschool Spiderman cartoon. The episode where he got trapped in a freezer and woke up in a post-apocalyptic ruined New York crawling with barbarians was some creepy shit. And he was the only Spiderman that wasn't made into an proto-emo pussy.

Steve Irwin is going to be on Conan. This blows my theory that he's dropped off the face of television because he's actually been eaten by a bear and they're waiting to release it on DVD. Fuck.

By al - 1:21 a.m. |

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