Dusting

I think I chose this forum to because the culprit of this story will probably never read my confession. It has been pointed out to me that I look sad, that I look tired and that I am not really here. But I am here! I am not really sad and well yes I am tired. I know I am here because I can feel all of this, the hurt, the anger and the fear. I may have a hint of sadness proven to me by the tears I have shed; the emotion running strongest is the anger, the anger coming from the hurt. My tiredness comes from all of this and an unfortunate living arrangement.
I don’t want to share names of those involved; in fact the only ones I have shared the names with are friend in distant lands because they don’t know the faces, they don’t know all the people involved. Those friends have given a small escape from the little world I have built because of the incident. The story happens between me and one other person, one person who I wanted so much to be with, one person who I started to trust. But as every thing that I see and feel and hear, and like every other story ever told the main characters are the ones in the spotlight, but there is always others who could be affected. In that single statement I reveal why it hurt so much.
Those around me may remember a time I cried, a little more than year ago, but that is not the time I am talking about, it was a time much closer and that is why I try to use this statement as a release. A few months ago is when it happened and less time than that has passed since I figured it out. I won’t truly reveal the story here, because the details are vague and my story will be different than that other person's. Perhaps I am being to fair to that other person, but what I really want to be fair to those who I love and maybe hurt from this story, or even unwilling to accept the tale.
To continue I will say no crime was committed and all that did happen was related to a misunderstanding. I want to apologies to those I may have confused or been upset with or even rude to because of what I was going through, and for that I will confess my mistakes. My confession is simply that I became involved in an emotion, a feeling and I let it lead me. I followed it with a smile and all the time keeping a secret of momentary joy. When the object of that emotion took a turn I did not see, I got lost. I tried so hard to find it. To talk to the one person and that one person refused, the person avoided me and never told me why. The one person was not looking at me; I doubt the person ever really did. The one person now looks at another.
The hurt came from never hearing from that person why and the turmoil in my heart grew cloudy and desperate to understand. I chose to believe it was some sin I committed and followed that looking for a chance make it right, but time and thought allowed me to understand the sin was not mine, all I did was care. The sin, the hurt belongs to that other person, and he can have it. It takes along time to realize that, and no matter what is said or done now I have been changed forever. The thick skin I had grown from previous hurts and disasters in my life is a bit thicker. My soft trusting heart still beats in my chest, but a little slower today and a little more guarded.
I want to say sorry for being foolish, for not letting my closest friend in on this, but understand it is because I don’t want you to be angry nor do I want you to see me angry and hurt. Forgive me and while I stand in my shadowed corner I will lift my hand to you and walk to you so I can smile in the light, leaving the showdown in the corner. When years have passed and my hurt diminished then I may be able to share the shadow. Perhaps the shadow can be lost in the light over a friendly drink. Today I will chose to look for a new light and a new joy and get dressed.