A 'lil sumthin I cooked up for Greggy, from the Baz Luhrmann song Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Everybody's Free (To Buy Imports)

Ladies and gentlemen, trading in your '97?

Buy a Honda.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Honda would be it. The long-term re-sale value of the Civic has been proven by consumers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your VTEC. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your VTEC until 5000 RPM. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of her and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous she really looked. She is not as fast as you imagine.

Don't worry about the rice. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as welding a coffee can to your muffler. The real troubles in your life are apt to be assholes that never signal, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that annoys cops.

Drive.

Don't be reckless with other people's Civics. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Polish.

Don't waste your time on chrome rims. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The street race is long and, in the end, you might get busted.

Remember props you receive. Forget the disses. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old 1/4 mile slips. Throw away your old engine oil.

Bling.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your ride. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their ride. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of octane. Be kind to your pistons. You'll miss them when they've blown.

Maybe you'll trade, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll buy used, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll fork over 40K, maybe you'll buy the 75th Anniversary Edition. Whatever you do, don't ride the clutch too much, or stall either. Your Type R stickers suck. So do everybody else's.

Enjoy your Civic. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest vehicle you'll ever own.

Donuts, even if you have nowhere to do them but in your own driveway.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow the map.

Do not read tuner magazines. They will only make you feel envy.

Get to know your tires. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your tranny. It's your best link to your drivetrain and the thing that's most likely a bitch to repair in the future.

Understand that imports come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in your service history, because the older it gets, the more you'll need that mechanic who knew you when the 'Vic was young.

Drive to Vegas once, but leave before it makes you poor. Drive to California once, but leave before the cops beat your ass. Pussy.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Gas prices will rise. SUVs will rollover. Your panels, too, will rust. And when they do, you'll fantasize that when it was new, prices were reasonable, SUVs were called wagons and cars were free of Altezzas.

Represent your Honda.

Don't expect anyone else to step to you, Snoop Dogg. Maybe you have a turbo. Maybe you'll get NOS. But you never know when your luck might run out.

Don't stress too much on the limit cause the sign says 40 but the needle's at 85.

Be careful whose aftermarket parts you buy, but be patient with shipping. Bodykits are form over function. Salvaging is a way of fixing the car from the junkyard, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and reselling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the Honda...