Sunday, November 02, 2003

Instruments of Destruction
I tell you, gun ownership has changed me greatly. I no longer hang my head in shame walking down the porno district. Nay, I hold my head high! I now walk into establishments with a certain "joie de vivre". Indeed, I feel as if a peculiar "electricity" fills my every step. The kind that, up until this point, I've only seen The Duc wield with such masculine impunity.

kyute? innit?

Megatron never leaves my side. I even sleep with him tucked underneath the pillow. Always at the ready to vanquish the unsuspecting Autobot errr... foe. I lovingly refer to him as my "gat" and anyone within earshot as "foo'". Only the Leader of the Decepticons affords me such confidence. He is so inspiring that I'm contemplating more grandiose plans after my conquest of the Kwik-E-Mart. To that effect I have taken the initiative of writing a manifesto, well quite simply because I wouldn't be a very good evil despot without one now would I?

  • More ham, less bacon.

  • All Chinese people will henceforth be known as Lee (even the womenfolk). Not only does this make it easier to pick them out from a police line-up. More importantly, I can now answer the question, "Do you know Mr. Lee?... from China?", with a straight face.

  • Every Thursday of the 2nd tri-mester will be known as Kabob Day and shall be celebrated accordingly.

  • The word 'wang' will form the cornerstone of modern speech. This change is retroactive. Permit me to demonstrate by quoting the immortal William Wangspeare:

  • To wang, or not to wang, that is the question
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The wangs and arrows of outrageous fortune
    Or to take arms against a sea of titties

    OK, I took artistic liberties with that last verse, but as Leader of the Free World™, I feel I have a right to do so.

  • Girls jumping on trampolines will be an Olympic sport.

  • Guns don't kill people. People kill people. And in the absence of people, maybe a giant bear.

  • George Lucas will be barred from making any more films.

  • In addition to the "express" line, all establishments will be required to have a "pathetic single men" line - only cash, no chit chat. I don't wanna hafta wait in line to rent a copy of "Hot Chicks, Killer Dicks IV" while you're busy trying to pick up.

  • Halloween and Christmas will be merged into a months long holiday known as Decemberween. It's not like it wasn't headed there anyway. I'm just making it official.

  • Electric chairs and lethal injections will be banned due to their inhumane uses. In their stead, un-believers shall be burned at the stake. A new reality TV series titled, "Christians and Fire: Together at Last", will storm the nation.

  • The posted speed limit is a suggested "mininum".

  • I will require oriental hand maidens. Several of them.

  • That's all I can think of for now, lemme sleep on it some mo'...

    By TVT - 10:19 p.m. |

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