My new political party:

The Neo-WHIG Manifesto

By William James Madison Grim

What We Believe

1. Looking good on camera does not make one an expert at anything (except looking good on camera). The combined IQ of Hollywood is less than the total number of teeth of three randomly selected West Virginians.

2. Political correctness is a polite expression for Stalinism. Vegetarians are basically evil people. (Hitler was a vegetarian.) And Tea-Totalers are condemned to Eternity to Hell. (Jesus drank wine and that's good enough for me.)

3. High culture is better than pop culture. Stephen King sucks; Thomas Pynchon is a genius. Rap is not music. The path from Duke Ellington to Snoop Doggy Doggy has not been one of evolutionary ascendancy.

4. Globalism is good. Starbucks is good; Coca-Cola is good; Barnes & Noble is good. And let's face it, most independent bookstores suck out the wazoo.

5. People who don't like jazz are communists and/or perverts.

6. The Dixie Chicks are not hot; Shania Twain, on the other hand, is mega-hot.

7. Too much money is spent on the retarded. We want it drastically reduced. Besides, it's not like they'll even notice it.

8. The Death Penalty is good and its use should be extended, perhaps to overdue library books or spammers

9. The designated hitter rule is an abomination and should be eliminated from the American League.

10. Soccer is a sissy sport.

11. Groundhog Day should be a national holiday.

12. Speed limits and parking meters should be unconstitutional.

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